It's Holy Matrimony, Baby_The Casey Brothers Series Page 16

  “You barely have any scars.” It’s not that I don’t believe her, but the accident must have been horrific.

  “Mostly everything was internal. And Liv’s dad is friends with an amazing plastic surgeon. I underwent a few procedures. Plus it’s been years. Time fades everything.”

  “Christ. I can’t imagine. You were so very lucky.”

  “That’s what they told me. That the odds were on my side. But they weren’t. Not really.” A shadow passes behind her eyes. “Not if anything about the McClain curse is true. It took a long while before I was back on my feet. I did go to see him after. I meant to ask him about that night, but he was with someone else by then, and I couldn’t bring myself to actually face him when there was no point.”

  “He never tried to contact you?”

  “He did,” she admits. “But I didn’t know what to say to him. Not just about the kiss, but about the accident. And then mom decided it would be best if I didn’t go back to school for a while. I guess she thought she was protecting me by homeschooling me. She was convinced the curse had tried to claim me.”

  “What do you think?”

  “Hmmm. Coincidence. Or a bad decision on my part. Or the driver wasn’t paying attention. There are plenty of reasons that don’t have to involve my family’s belief in bad luck.”

  She can tell me as many times as she wants that she doesn’t believe in anything that can’t be proven, but she’s not good at hiding the truth. I brush my lips against her cheek, her temple, the hair that covers the scar on her scalp. “Well, I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I’m glad I’m here too,” she says. “Not just alive, but here with you.”

  I’ll fight to keep her here. I’ll fight her fears and her insecurities. I’ll fight the damn devil if that’s what it takes. Can’t let her down, or I’ll lose her for certain.

  “You give me hope,” she says. “That maybe we can be different. But not just that. You’re a good man, Nox. You’re the kind of man who won’t let me down, and that’s rare. You sticking with me although I ran away, and fighting me when I tried to scare you off like a crazy lunatic means a lot.”

  Her words sucker punch me in the gut. I’m hiding too much from her. The fact that our marriage has already saved my dad’s studio doesn’t look good, and when she finds out about my deal with Liv she’ll realize my motivation wasn’t her. Or at least it wasn’t when she first showed up in town. Can’t hate that I would do anything for my family. I need this deal as much as I’m starting to believe I might need her. But she’s still tentative. Telling her I’m not as great as she imagines me to be, and that the real reason I refused to sign the papers despite her best efforts could cost me more than I ever expected. Have to work out how to break it to her. But not right now. Not while she’s cradled in my arms. Haven’t been this happy in as long as I can remember. She makes me feel ten feet tall. I can’t let her go.

  I roll her under me. Cover her body with mine and nibble her bottom lip. “For better or worse, right? You and me. I’m going to be here no matter what.”

  “Do you ever miss it?” she asks while we drive into town. Jack messaged me while we were still in bed to tell me we were having a family dinner.

  “Miss what?” I scratch at my throat. It’s been ages since the lot of us have sat down to break bread. We’ve all been too busy. But this is different again. It’s the first time Beck’s really going to meet my siblings and spend time with them. Liv might be there too.

  “Music.” She points at the radio. An old Pearl Jam song pipes through the speakers. The song about his love dying in a car accident, and if that isn’t fitting today, I don’t know what is. Twisting to face me, she continues, “Playing guitar? Singing? Do you miss it?”

  “No.” Swear to God I’m about to break out in hives. Everyone at this dinner knows about my deal with Liv. One slip of the tongue before I can work out how to tell Beck myself could ruin everything.

  “Not even a little bit?” She turns to me, curiosity all over her face. “You teach guitar, but you don’t want to play?”

  “I’m not that guy.” I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles pop. Music was everything to me, but I ruined it. Took the good parts of my life and destroyed them. Hollowed myself out until there was nothing left. Can’t let that happen with her. “I haven’t been in years.”

  “I couldn’t imagine having so much talent and not using it. Doesn’t it scare you?” she asks, becoming more pointed. “That you might regret it.”

  “You’re nosey,” I say, faking a smile to soften my words, but hoping she’ll get annoyed at me anyway if only to change the subject.

  She stares at me, a frown wrinkling her forehead. “I’m trying to understand. You were an amazing musician. You could be again.”

  “You want to understand? Fine.” I clench my jaw and scratch at my throat again. Sweat trickles down the side of my neck. “Being Jase Hunt and that lifestyle, the one where I go off the tracks and fuck everything up, go hand in hand. I spent a lot of time getting better. Fought myself damn hard to put it behind me. Why would I want to open myself up to that again?”

  “I wasn’t suggesting you—”

  “You were,” I growl. Immediately I want to take it back. “Sorry. It’s a touchy subject for me.”

  “I’m sorry too,” she says, turning her gaze to the passenger window and growing silent as we drive toward Finn and Jack’s place.

  I puff up my cheeks and blow out a breath as I place my hand on her knee. My pulse slows down when I touch her. “Sometimes I miss the music. Not the fame or the groupies or playing sold out concerts, but the work behind it. The writing and messing around with chords and progressions, tinkering with melodies and tempos until they’re perfect. But Jase Hunt was an asshole. An addict. A danger to everyone around him. I don’t want to be like that. I can’t be like that. Ever again.”

  “You don’t have to be though. You’re right when you say you’re not that guy anymore, and I’m not suggesting you should be. But you are Nox Casey, and music is in your blood. It runs through your veins, doesn’t it? Pulls you in whether you like it or not. If you hated it you wouldn’t end up at Mayhem supporting Dean, or the local bands that Lou brings in.”

  “That’s enough for me,” I tell her. It has to be. Even if these past couple weeks I’ve found myself pulling fragments of words and melodies together in my head. But that’s where they should stay. That isn’t my road to travel now. “Managing Casey Records once we get it up and running again is what I want. That’s more important. My family. Dad’s legacy is more important to me.”

  “I’m just suggesting that you don’t have to cut something you love out of your life so completely.”

  We pull into the driveway of my brother’s house. Lena used to tell me all the damn time that going back to music, touring, the constant spotlight was asking for trouble. That I couldn’t be that guy, and the man she wanted to be with. I did what she asked and stayed the hell away because going back was opening a door that I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to close.

  Beck has faith in me. Misplaced, misguided faith that will crumble soon enough. Can’t work out how to deal with that let alone my own demons if I give into the temptation she puts in front of me.

  “I don’t love it. I don’t want to do it.” I climb out of the truck. “It’s not important to me.”

  “I don’t believe you.” She goes quiet as I turn to glare at her. Her gaze drops to the ground in front of her feet and her arms go around her waist as though trying to ward off a chill.

  “Do you want me to fail? Is that why you’re pushing this? You want me to go back to shoving pills down my throat and needles in my veins?” I crowd her against the side of the truck. Can’t catch my breath. This morning I thought we could make this work, but now... “Is that how you’re hoping to get rid of me?”

  “I’m not. I promise.” She rests her hand on my arm and it eases the heat in my chest. “I’m just trying to help.”

/>   “Then stop trying to push me.” I clasp the back of her head and press my lips to her hair, breathe in her sweetness. “I’m done with that life. I’m not going back. So drop it.”

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  “We should go inside,” I say. “Get this over with.”

  Peeling away from the truck, she walks ahead of me into my own family’s house.

  “Glad you could make it.” Jack meets us at the door. “About time you introduced us properly.”

  “What for? You gave her the key to my cabin a couple weeks back. You’ve clearly met.”

  “Liv’s very convincing.” He grins. “Besides, I did you a favor.”

  “Suppose you did.” I clap his shoulder.

  Liv throws her arms around Beck like they haven’t seen each other in years, though it’s been much shorter than that. “Come with me. We have so much to talk about.”

  Jack and I watch the two girls disappear into the kitchen and then Lou calls out a greeting.

  “Where are Finn and Dean?”

  “Dean’s on the way. And Finn is here, but he’s a little busy at the moment.” Jack leads the way to the kitchen where Lou is making salad with the help of a woman I’ve never met. “Penny. Finn’s friend,” Jack says. “Nox. Another brother.”

  The girl gives me a smile and a nod that she got my name. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too.”

  “Come on.” Jack snags a couple of beer cans from the fridge and heads outside. “We better grill.”

  I take the can he offers and stride toward the barbecue. Burning meat to perfection will keep my hands and head occupied. Give me some time to calm down and drown out the niggling voice in my head that’s telling me Beck might have a point.

  “All good?” Finn comes up beside me. His voice breaks my concentration.

  “Huh?” It takes me a second to work out what he asked me. “Yup.”

  “Married life not suiting you?” he asks, narrowing his shrewd gaze on me.

  There’s no way I want to go into the conversation I’m having in my head. Or even what’s happening between me and Beck. Not with Finn, who will analyze the shit out of it and probably try to help me fix it. Or tell me this is all happening too fast, or that I’m letting my dick lead me. Best to keep him in the dark for now. Lifting two fingers, I say, “Two months. That’s all.”

  “It’s not long in the scheme of things.” He squeezes my shoulder.

  No. It’s not long enough at all.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Finding someone to spend your life with

  Is finding someone to share your secrets with...

  Good, bad, and ugly.

  BECK

  “Any progress?” Liv asks.

  We’re sitting close together at the table. On the opposite side Jack is going through Finn’s laptop, trying to find a playlist with Penny. She seems almost as out of place as I do. Both of us not quite sure what we’re doing here. Nox is manning the grill while talking to his brother. He’s still tense, his shoulders hunched.

  “Beck?”

  “Sorry, what?” I turn my attention back to my bestie.

  “You and Nox? Is everything okay?”

  “He still won’t sign the papers,” I say. “Still refuses to let me go.”

  “You like that about him, don’t you?” She peers at me. “You’re smiling.”

  “Am not.” I scowl, but it’s not real. Still I can’t get comfortable with the warmth inside me when we talk about him.

  “Uh-huh. Whatever you say.” She nudges me with an elbow to the ribs. “You’re two months out from deadline and you’re not making a concerted effort to get him to give up on you. It’s telling.”

  “Can you not use that word?” I shiver.

  “What? Deadline?” She says it again, slower this time.

  “Don’t be a cow,” I tell her.

  “Look, I’m on your side. Trust me on that. I just want you to be happy. Even if I have to give you a push.”

  “I am happy,” I retort. “I was perfectly content on my own, thank you very much.”

  “No you weren’t.” She shakes her head, her eyes soft and sad. “You think you were because you didn’t have to deal with your trauma. That’s all.”

  Nox is still talking to Finn, still scowling. He lifts two fingers and says something I can’t make out.

  Two months. That’s all we might have. And right now he’s angry with me. Maybe he’s realizing this relationship isn’t worth the fight. The thought sucks the air out of my lungs. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. But I was only trying to understand him.

  “I think he might stick around longer,” Liv says. “If you stop trying to push him away.”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “Why does it matter so much to you anyway? You realize if we stay together that you’re going to have to take up travelling alone.”

  “I’m okay with that,” she says.

  “It does seem like it,” I agree. “You keep championing him.”

  “Maybe I am.” She smiles, but it’s the way her gaze shifts sideways toward him that makes me wonder whether she’s scheming something.

  “You didn’t do anything, did you? You aren’t thinking of doing anything?”

  “I would cut him a check in a heartbeat if I thought it would help, but I honestly think you two are managing just fine on your own.”

  “A check?” I press my lips together to keep from laughing. Of course she would, and maybe I should ask her about helping out with Casey Records, or making a donation. “I told him about the curse.”

  “You did?” She sounds surprised. “Everything?”

  “Almost everything,” I amend.

  “Did you tell him about you? About the car accident?”

  I nod, my knee bouncing. “Just not everything.”

  “Oh.” She draws the sound out through her glossy red lips. Her eyes widen, and she draws a circle with her finger on the tabletop. “You really do like him, don’t you? Otherwise you would tell him the whole story. All of it. But you’re worried that will be enough to push him over the edge.”

  “I just hate to tell people about it, okay.” I drop my gaze to my arms crossed against my chest. Never mind the fact I haven’t actually talked about it with anyone outside of Liv, and my own family. Telling Nox would be worse. He’ll realize that it’s not just my insecurities and fears. He’ll know that there’s no point in fighting. Everything he said about being masters of our own destiny won’t mean anything. Sometimes fate or destiny or pure reality has other plans for us. “Remember your reaction when I told you? And you’d already known.”

  She leans closer so no one else can hear her and gives my arm a squeeze. “We could have lost you. We almost did. It was scary as hell.” One side of her mouth flicks up and then droops as she sighs. “Of course I was going to react. When the doctors told us. When you told me later. I could have lost my best friend. I love you like a sister.”

  “I love you too.” I cover her hand with my own.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” Nox says, placing a tray of chops and steaks and sausages onto the table.

  How much did he hear? My heart smashes against my ribcage. He’s standing beside me, staring like I’ve just casually admitted that I’m the queen of England. And also like the queen is hot and his. Somewhere along the line he got past my defenses, and I don’t know how I’ll go back to life without him in it. “What?”

  “Did you just say the L word?”

  “Liv is family.” I shrug.

  “I think I’ll go talk to Jack.” Liv excuses herself, getting up and joining the others.

  Pulling the seat out beside me, he sits down facing me. Covers my knee with his hand. The tension he was carrying earlier is gone. “About before.”

  A chair crashes to the concrete at the other end of the table as Penny jumps to her feet and turns wide eyes on Finn. “You...”

  Nox stops to twist around. Everyone does while Finn begs for a moment to
explain.

  Seventy percent. It’s the first thing that pops into my head as she races out. Seventy percent of relationships don’t work out. Finn takes off after her. Doors slam. Most relationships are doomed from the start.

  I turn to Nox. I expect to feel doubt, or sadness, or even simply reconciled to the fact, but instead there’s this rush of steadiness.

  “Don’t,” he says, cupping my chin with his other hand. “Don’t box us into a number, or a statistic. Don’t work out our chances according to other people. Don’t give up on me.”

  I don’t want to. Covering his hand with both of mine, I nod.

  “I’m going to head out,” Liv announces from the other end of the table as the front door slams again.

  “Think I will too,” Lou agrees. “Dean, do you need a ride?”

  Cussing comes from inside the house, but Finn doesn’t reappear.

  “I was going to head over to Mayhem after dinner.” Dean snatches a piece of steak from the tray on the table and shrugs. “Might as well go now.”

  “That’s where I’m headed.” Lou picks up her bag and hustles toward the back gate with Liv. Dean follows.

  “Let me check on Finn.” Nox withdraws his hand from mine. “Then we’ll go too.”

  I watch him get up and head inside. The door closes behind him. Jack shuts the laptop, catching my attention.

  “Sorry,” he says, climbing to his feet and picking up the meat Nox grilled. “Didn’t know that was going to happen. Probably not the best introduction to our family, is it? And no one got to eat.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Getting up, I pick up the salads Lou brought out to the table, so I can take them inside. Might as well clean up while Nox checks on Finn. “Every family has its moments.”

  “That’s true,” he says. “Come on. Let’s fix plates for you guys. You can eat and run. I’ll take some down to Lou and Dean in a little while.” He holds the door open for me to slip through first. “God knows Finn isn’t going to be great company.”